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thuyten
Posts: 1
Joined: Feb 2005
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February 15, 2005 7:05 AM
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I am stunned by Bai and Bud Macfarlane's divorce. I, too, have seen the no-fault divorce destroy my whole devout Catholic family and through the divorce of all my sisters when it began in the early 70's. What was worse was standing by idly and see everyone of my nieces and nephews view the Church with total disinterest.
When my husband and I got married we both agreed that we would stay married even if our marriage was a living hell. As much as we loved each other in the beginning, I saw marriages that were ideal fall apart in the twinkling of an eye and was afraid that I would fall in that same trap. I, too, am convinced that the no-fault divorce made it just too easy for my sisters to bail out with the hopes that there was something better elsewhere.
I feel the same as Bai Macfarlane and was surprised to see that all of what she has written has also been my impression of Diocesan dealings with marriage and also with the counseling provided through priests and social workers. It is just too easy to escape the Cross and tell people that it's ok to go elsewhere or seek happiness in this life. Catholic spiritual life is no longer the foundation of marriage but just one view tossed out in the endless discussion on what makes for a good marriage.
I also have spoken regularly to priests that I know about Pope John Paul II's writings on marriage, and while I agree that spiritually speaking this is the ideal, I also realize that fallen human nature is all part of marriage. What PP II writes seemed to me that this would have been the marriage before the fall of Adam and Eve. I, believe, that I am in as good a Catholic marriage as one can be, yet, marriage is no bed of roses. I guess it took my mother, the devout Catholic realist, to remind me of that fact repeatedly while my older sisters were getting divorced one after another. Her words were said enough and along with witnessing the divorces' devastating effects on my family, I embraced that committment the day I got married. Thank God, my husband did the same!
I want to help Bai in any way I can. Let me know what I can do. This is a truly sad story, but could be the beginning of a change of outlook that is so needed in the Church as well. I want to help.
Teresa Huyten
National Director
Legion of Little Souls
[email protected]
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[email protected]
http://www.littlesouls.org
Edited: February 15, 2005 at 8:01 AM by Godspy Moderator
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Antigone
Posts: 5
Joined: Feb 2005
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February 15, 2005 5:42 PM
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I was also stunned and saddened by this news, and also humbled. Just yesterday afternoon I was mocking the latest J.Lo marriage, and this sad story comes as a reminder that no one is immune to the potential heartbreak and emotional violence in all relationships.
I would just like to remind that there are two sides to every story, and, although I agree that divorce has become all-too-common and easy an option, this article does not present Bud MacFarlane's side of the story. I visited Bai MacFarlane's website, and I was struck by the amount of bitterness and anger her words reveal (justifiable, maybe, but overwhelming all the same). I wonder how it would be possible for she and her husband to reconcile with such penetrating anger. I also do not understand why she insisted upon home-schooling to the point where it cost her custody of her children.
On the other hand, I can look at this from a detached view because I'm not suffering like Bai and her children. I am praying for this entire family -- Bud, Bai, and their sons -- praying for their mutual forgiveness, a softening of hearts, and reconciliation.
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lisaduffy
Posts: 1
Joined: Sep 2005
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September 13, 2005 1:01 PM
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I strongly disagree with some of the points asserted in Zoe's article. One point, especially, is grossly misleading. Before I state that point, let me explain what my relation is to this . . .
I am a Catholic that was divorced by my husband in 1994 via no-fault divorce laws, despite the fact that I fought to save my marriage. A few years later, I went through the annulment process which I found to be very healing. I am now remarried in the Catholic Church. I have written a 16-week program for divorced Catholics and it has been in practice in the Archdiocese of Atlanta for 3 years. I have experience in helping these suffering people through their difficult situations, and working with deacons and priests who are knowledgeable in these matters.
It is true that diocesan tribunals request that a civil divorce be obtained by a spouse seeking an annulment. However, it is not a practice that promotes divorce, as was stated in Zoe's article. It is, without a doubt, to promote RECONCILIATION.
The number of couples that separate, get a civil divorce and then reconcile is much larger than people might think. That is why a petitioner to the tribunal is asked to wait until at least one year after the divorce has been final to begin the annulment process because they want to give the couple every opportunity for reconciliation.
Here are two quotes from the tribunal website from the Archdiocese of Atlanta:
"A Tribunal case should not even be considered until it is definitely established that reconciliation is completely out of the question. In some situations, the speed with which a Tribunal is approached borders on the scandalous. In an address to a number of U.S. Bishops (on October 17, 1998), Pope John Paul II expressed his grave concern that the Tribunal process might be conceived as divorce under a different name. The referral of matrimonial cases to a Tribunal should be a last resort."
"The Tribunal will not even consider accepting a case if any outstanding civil matters are still in dispute in the civil courts (e.g., alimony, child support, child custody issues, etc.)"
The article claimed that an investigation of vailidity into the McFarlane marriage without having obtained a civil divorce was denied. There may be good reasons for that denial that were not stated in the article. One deacon I work with confirmed that 3 times in the last 10 years, he saw circumstances that warranted an investigation into the validity of a marriage without obtaining a divorce and he petitioned the tribunal and the request was granted. So it is something that happens.
After reading Zoe's article, I get the impression that some things might have been said out of hurt and those statements can be very misleading. Mistruths are very damaging, especially when people like those who are divorced are so vulnerable and looking to their faith for support and guidance.
I have personally experienced the pain that Bai is suffering now, and I agonize for her. I was stunned when I heard the news of what was happening to them and my family prayed for theirs. Divorce is the worst pain I ever experienced and it took me years to recover from that devastation.
But I love my Catholic faith and I believe that the gates of hell will not prevail against it. I believe that she is guided by the Holy Spirit. That is why I disagree with the statements in this article and why I hope the truth about it is promoted.
Sincerely - Lisa Duffy
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tonymschmitz
Posts: 1
Joined: Aug 2006
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August 20, 2006 3:17 PM
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This article is very pertinent to me. My wife left me in Jan '05 without a substantive reason for separation. She is unhappy, and doesn't know how to regain joy. As a devout Catholic, I find much in common with Bai, except that my wife isn't going to Church regularly anymore; as she has fallen away from the Church. It is also pertinent to me b/c the Mary Foundation helped raise my Catholic prayer life 2000 and beyond. I listened to all the tapes and read all the books that year.
I am thankful to you Bai, for helping to bring the 'no-fault' issue to a head in Ohio. It seems to be an issue that no one is willing to discuss in public. It seems to be a taboo subject for some reason. The same group of Catholics that will publicly denounce abortion, and Homosexual "marriage," don't acknowledge the elephant in the corner of the room (Catholic marriages falling apart). Catholics are not immune from divorce -- the American culture has confused most of the Catholics (inlcuding the hierarchy).
I feel so helpless for my 7 yr old daughter. She is without the joy she had 2 or 3 years ago. She is carted back and forth between houses (we split time ~ 50-50) and doesn't have a proper family. She is doing OK, but it isn't the same. She is the primary loser in our long-term separation, soon to be divorce. I agree with Gallagher and Waite (book: The Case for Marriage) that kids don't care as much if Mom and Dad are happy inside (and feeling romantic), but mainly if they are together as a family and acting civilly toward each other. Whereas, kids are hurt emotionally, spiritually, and financially when parents separate.
I also am in agreement in that the helps I was able to find were not in the Church. The WWME (world wide marriage encounter) and Retroivaille are good. These are lay apostolates. The Church groups I found were support groups for separated/divorced and not helpful for reconciliation.
I firmly believe that my wife and I could work this out if we tried -- she is not willing at the moment. If society and our Church did not approve of broken marriages, the social pressure would have prevented the separation which is hurting our family.
Bai, my prayers are with you, Bud, and your children.
-Tony
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